How does death change your perspective?

Big question. Many answers. My sister passed from cancer when she was 42, I was 32, a mom of two kids. She and her hubby had retired, sold the condo and joined the RV community. Six months in Kelowna and 6 months in Arizona. She was dxed with melanoma 10 years earlier, had the mole removed and told she was clear. Travelling, she was complaining of ongoing back aches that attributed to the RV. Then they settled a bit in Kelowna and we bugged her to get it checked. I couldn’t believe when all the tests came back but the worst was it was in her lungs, liver and bones. Not good, she had part of her spine removed, lung, and had some chemo. Fused part of spine. My brother told me I should go to Kelowna now, and not wait. I was young, I couldn’t believe cancer would take her so young. 4 months later my brothers said you need to go say goodbye. My parents paid for my sister and I to go. We got to Vancouver and we’re fogged in for two days – omg , I thought we were not going to make it – but we did, it was awful. Cancer is such a god awful disease. At the same time my sister was dxed my dad was as well. With prostate cancer. He also had surgery and at 72 was told he would probably have 5 good years. and he did. I swear to God he had it on a calendar. Mind over matter. Sat up in bed one day and said take me to the hospital I am done. 3 days later and we had all said goodbyes and sorted mom out and away he went.

Meanwhile I am doing home day care and have an 8 year old boy with ADD, and a 6 year old girl who read me her agenda book since kindergarten. Or at least that is how I remember it. I had no idea what my perspective was other than life is so unfair. But life goes on, I had a happy family and I was too busy to think down thoughts. Mom would come to visit for the summer and drive my husband crazy and my kids crazy and her cat drove my dog crazy lol.

So then 8 years have gone by and in 2002 my husband at 48 was dxed with muscenous adeno carsinoma. Spelling probably mucked up. Surgeon told me 3 weeks with no treatment-with treatment he lived another 8 months. Chemo was a bitch, he was able to be at home, kids were on summer vacation and Allan was working. We did as much on his bucket list as we could – although he never said his bucket list out loud. He though the chemo would beat it, til he asked another person who was getting chemo how long they had been coming for – 3,years he said. Gord freaked out, and the specialist said chemo not taking, he was sicker than anything I have ever seen. In March he said Disnt quite make it to his 50 birthday- no more treatment and in April he was gone.

That was hard, no perspective yet, but slept so much a friend finally came over every day and kicked me out of bed. It was hell. I had no clue. My mom came and stayed, she was amazing. And my mom showed me an article she’d read about a Website called “Widownet”, that saved my my life, that ability to just read how others survived a loss, way too many members of a club no one asks to join. So my perspective changed to “live every moment” oh and feed the kids. Which meant working, so in September I started working , and then my mom dxed, and I lost her a year after my husband. She was 84.

At 61, so many years later I am finally processing it all. Lots of good things have happened and I am a grandma.

Perspective after you lose someone ? I learned a lot from my mom. Keep going, stay involved , keep living and learning. Do what feels right in your gut. Don’t worry about what others think, live your life for you.